I apologize in advance to anyone who might actually read this, for this is likely to be a very negative and miserable blog post.
I've been thinking a lot about my self esteem, or lack thereof, or more accurately my complete and utter self loathing. I hate everything about myself. I hate the way I look, I hate the way I act, I hate the way I feel, I hate the way I think, I hate the way I behave, I hate the way I talk. Seriously, I hate EVERYTHING about myself.
So...how am I supposed to "recover?" How does one find the motivation to get better when they don't care about themselves at all?
Well...why did I go to the hospital when I felt that I was going to kill myself? Why didn't I just attempt? Because of my wife. Because of my baby brother (who's really not a baby anymore but will always be a baby to me). I don't value myself at all, but I value my loved ones above all else. In fact, to me, I always come last, even after complete strangers or people I don't even like. So, I feel it's better for me to suffer in complete and total misery than to hurt them by offing myself. But, then part of my brain tells me that they'd really be better off without me, and I start to consider and believe that more and more, and BAM, I end up in the hospital.
Anyway, back to my original thought. Is it possible to ever get better when you hate yourself and feel completely worthless? Probably not. So I think this is probably going to have to be my first major struggle. So, of course, this became the topic of conversation in my last group of the day today at partial hospital. Then, I expressed my views of myself and how I truly and honestly am worthless and should always come last, and the facilitator focused on that for like the entire session. Then, the other members of the group kept addressing me and talking to me and telling me how much they appreciate and value me. These people just fucking met me! I wanted to die. I wanted to melt into a puddle. I wanted to run out of the room and never go back. But...I stayed, extremely uncomfortably, but I stayed. That has to mean something, right??
Sorry, now I'm really just ranting....maybe I'll form an actual thought here somewhere...
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ReplyDeleteI don't know if no-one pointed this out to you yet. But:
ReplyDelete1) You are trying really hard because you love your brother and wife indicates you are a ===> caring, loving person.
2) Doesn't look like your struggles are easy, but you still talk about getting better, you are still looking for solution, a person who never gives up is a ===> tough person
3) You don't get carried away by false appreciation and start feeling good (believe me there are people out there who thrive on false appreciation). You are looking for a genuine feeling that you are worthy, you don't want anything fake, you are ===> honorable and honest to self.
This is what I can see from your present post, I am sure there are many more excellent qualities in you that you take for granted. I really hope that you get better so that can start realising your true beautiful qualities and spreading your light in the world. Take care dear and keep writing, I am following your posts :-)