Since leaving the hospital, I've been semi-overwhelmed with the feeling that I'm completely weak and powerless, that I shouldn't have needed to be hospitalized, shouldn't need a medical leave of absence from work, and I should just be strong and working and taking care of things. My wife and I were in the process of buying our first home before I went in, and now since I'm not working that's all going down the drain, and we're stuck in the less than stellar apartment we're currently renting. I feel like I'm letting everyone down: my wife, my family, the realtor, and sellers, the attorneys, my bosses and coworkers.
Saturday is my best friend's birthday party, an annual crazy drunken bash that's the most fun we have all year, which we've really been looking forward to. Now, my wife thinks I shouldn't go, that I won't be able to handle it, that I shouldn't drink on my meds, that I'll be miserable if I can't drink while everyone else is, and I'm likely to have a panic/anxiety attack. Is she right? Maybe. But I feel like such a loser because of it. What kind of pathetic idiot loser can't go to a simple birthday party??
And, now I feel like everyone is going to be treating me like a pathetic, fragile, little baby bird. I overheard my mother telling my father the other day "DON'T UPSET HER!" I feel like most people don't understand mental illness, and while they are trying to protect me and care about me, and maybe I do need a little more tender touch, I still want to be treated like a fairly normal person!
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