Well, since I've left inpatient I've definitely had more anxiety than EVER before. Full body shaking. Heart pounding. Feel like I'm going to throw up. Racing thoughts. Dizzy. It kind of really sucks!! So, when I woke up today remembering that I had to go to my first day of partial hospital I was a complete nervous wreck. But, I drove there, made it through registration (which for some reason seemed almost impossible in my head) and intake just fine all by myself, and I definitely viewed that as a small victory. I let myself be proud, I did it and it was hard, but guess what? I survived. (Note to self, remember that you can do things, and survive, and succeed, even when the anxiety makes you feel like you can't breathe/move/think).
Before I went inpatient I was feeling completely and utterly hopeless. Now, I'm trying to feel hopeful, trying to celebrate small victories and visualize my potential. I think that's really why I started this blog, to motivate myself, to give me extra reason to keep going. I'm trying to convince myself that I actually can succeed and beat this. Maybe....
Anyway, back to today. Since everything involving intake was running late, I only went to 2 groups. Intake went well, the social worker and the NP I was assigned to were really nice and understanding and easy to talk to. The psychiatrist in charge of the program came over and introduced himself to me, and was super nice (more on him later).
The first group was a "relaxation" group where some lady played soothing music and read guided imagery meditation things and sprayed lavender around the room. Most people found it helpful, and I probably might have at other times, but my anxiety was way too high I just couldn't relax, and actually found myself getting annoyed. Then she yelled at me that I'm only anxious because I think I'm anxious. I don't like that lady too much.
Lunch was fine, talked to some of the other patients a little, they all seem nice, but didn't have a chance to get to know them really. I'm the "new girl" so they all already know each other pretty well. There's one other patient who reminds me a lot of myself. Hopefully I'll get to know her better.
The final group was psychotherapy group with the psychiatrist. He's really awesome, down to earth, curses in conversation (for some reason that always makes me feel more comfortable), and really seems to know the other patients well and how to get them to open up and process. After my frustrating experience with the first group, this group made me more hopeful that this really is the right program for me right now.
Okay, I'm sorry, this was really long, it was just a big day for me, and I had a lot to get out!
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