Today was rough. I started out with a pretty significantly depressed mood and large amount of anxiety. Then, at partial hospital, we had an activity where everyone in the group had to give each person 3 compliments. I can't stand compliments. I can't stand attention. I wanted to melt into the floor.
Then I had a half hour session with my social worker that ended up being an hour. I really like her, she seems to be the only person who can get things out of me. She told me she's concerned because it seems that just like last time, I'm actually getting worse in the program, not better. I told her that I think the reason for this is that I had really awful, hurtful, nasty stuff buried deep, deep inside, and being at the program chips away at my mask little by little. That in fact, I probably have to actually get a lot worse before I can possibly get better. She agreed, and decided we should probably delay my discharge date, instead of moving it up like they were originally planning.
My trouble is that the partial hospital program is mostly all groups, and I don't know how to talk in groups. I don't know when to interject, and I don't know what to say. Now, I am able to add support and encouragement and advice to my peers when they are sharing, but I don't seem to be capable of sharing anything about myself and my struggles. I have no idea where to begin, since my problems have really been lifelong. I generally just like to hide in a corner and try to disappear. I don't know how I can possibly get better when I want help, but hate attention and just want to be hidden and ignored.
I'm started to really really feel helpless. Again, I feel like my problems are deep inside me, and actually are who I am....how can I get better when these issues have been ongoing for like past 20ish years and define most of who I am??
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