So much has happened....and yet I'm kind of still in the same place I was.
November 19 I ended up back in the hospital with active suicidal thoughts and a complete loss of impulse control, I couldn't stop self harming and kept wanting to push it further and further. I was admitted to a unit with a very low functioning population. I was there for 2 full weeks, making it a total of 4 weeks in the hospital out of 6 weeks (2 in, 2 out, 2 in again). For the first week, there was not another patient I could even have a real conversation with. While I found this a little upsetting and frustrating, I was kind of forced to be with myself and focus on myself.
Because I self harmed in the hospital, they made me wear hospital only gowns, eat only finger foods (no plasticware), no pens or pencils, no jewelry. It was pretty embarrassing. But, the thing that disturbed and unsettled me was that when I was first going to the hospital, I was in a deep, dark, terrible, horrible, miserable depression. When I got to the unit I just became completely numb and slept for a few days. A week in, I felt good. Even for days after discharge I felt good. This confused the crap out of me because I knew there was no way that I could actually be feeling good so quickly. I figured that everything must have just been pushed down and hidden well under the surface waiting to explode when I got stressed.
After discharge, I went back to the partial hospital program, and all the intense therapy and treatment is starting to unleash some of those things that are buried deep, and creating some serious emotional dysregulation. Now I'm beginning to feel like it's going to be impossible to actually face and handle all of my buried emotional trauma. It's soooo deep seated and been part of me for so so long, it all seems insurmountable. The new DSM 5 will describe personality disorders as adaptive failures. That feels pretty negative and final to me.
Hi there PIM :-) Glad to know that you are fine now after the hospitalisation, I think that period was meant to give you some rest, now they want you to face your problems again in the partial hospital program. I know sometimes it all seems insurmountable, but I wish you would stop bothering about the results and just try to give your best shot at the one solution that they are offering to you. The therapy and treatment will certainly help you even though it will take a long time. Remember little drops make the ocean. Dont look at the minuscle improvements and think you will never manage it. You will see how in the end they will make a huge difference. And "adaptive failures" sounds negative, but failures are never permanent. I hope you wont consider it as a failure but as a room for improvement. We all are bad at some things that we work on all our lives. No human is perfect. But the human who is willing to work on the problems always does better than others. Just dont ever stop trying. Take care, all the best :-)
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