The partial hospital program that I'm in has a 6 week limit, no one can stay any longer than 6 weeks. I'm having some dysregulation about this right now. In the past 11ish years, I've probably had about 15 different therapists, a few I liked, only a couple I really connected with. My current social worker in the partial hospital program is awesome. I feel super comfortable talking to her, and she really seems to understand me. Even though every time I have an appointment with her I go in thinking that I have nothing to talk about, I'm always able to talk, cry, get some good work done, and learn something about myself and my illness. She knows me well and knows what I need.
Now, I'm freaking out. I only have about 3 weeks left in the program, and then I have to say goodbye to her. I feel like I've really gotten attached to her, and really look forward to our sessions. And, I'm starting to get really upset about the fact that in a few weeks I can't see her anymore. So, now I've decided to just stop talking to her, to protect myself from the upcoming pain of having to leave. I feel like it's so unfair!
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Getting frustrated
Today was rough. I started out with a pretty significantly depressed mood and large amount of anxiety. Then, at partial hospital, we had an activity where everyone in the group had to give each person 3 compliments. I can't stand compliments. I can't stand attention. I wanted to melt into the floor.
Then I had a half hour session with my social worker that ended up being an hour. I really like her, she seems to be the only person who can get things out of me. She told me she's concerned because it seems that just like last time, I'm actually getting worse in the program, not better. I told her that I think the reason for this is that I had really awful, hurtful, nasty stuff buried deep, deep inside, and being at the program chips away at my mask little by little. That in fact, I probably have to actually get a lot worse before I can possibly get better. She agreed, and decided we should probably delay my discharge date, instead of moving it up like they were originally planning.
My trouble is that the partial hospital program is mostly all groups, and I don't know how to talk in groups. I don't know when to interject, and I don't know what to say. Now, I am able to add support and encouragement and advice to my peers when they are sharing, but I don't seem to be capable of sharing anything about myself and my struggles. I have no idea where to begin, since my problems have really been lifelong. I generally just like to hide in a corner and try to disappear. I don't know how I can possibly get better when I want help, but hate attention and just want to be hidden and ignored.
I'm started to really really feel helpless. Again, I feel like my problems are deep inside me, and actually are who I am....how can I get better when these issues have been ongoing for like past 20ish years and define most of who I am??
Then I had a half hour session with my social worker that ended up being an hour. I really like her, she seems to be the only person who can get things out of me. She told me she's concerned because it seems that just like last time, I'm actually getting worse in the program, not better. I told her that I think the reason for this is that I had really awful, hurtful, nasty stuff buried deep, deep inside, and being at the program chips away at my mask little by little. That in fact, I probably have to actually get a lot worse before I can possibly get better. She agreed, and decided we should probably delay my discharge date, instead of moving it up like they were originally planning.
My trouble is that the partial hospital program is mostly all groups, and I don't know how to talk in groups. I don't know when to interject, and I don't know what to say. Now, I am able to add support and encouragement and advice to my peers when they are sharing, but I don't seem to be capable of sharing anything about myself and my struggles. I have no idea where to begin, since my problems have really been lifelong. I generally just like to hide in a corner and try to disappear. I don't know how I can possibly get better when I want help, but hate attention and just want to be hidden and ignored.
I'm started to really really feel helpless. Again, I feel like my problems are deep inside me, and actually are who I am....how can I get better when these issues have been ongoing for like past 20ish years and define most of who I am??
Sunday, December 16, 2012
A much needed, long delayed update
So much has happened....and yet I'm kind of still in the same place I was.
November 19 I ended up back in the hospital with active suicidal thoughts and a complete loss of impulse control, I couldn't stop self harming and kept wanting to push it further and further. I was admitted to a unit with a very low functioning population. I was there for 2 full weeks, making it a total of 4 weeks in the hospital out of 6 weeks (2 in, 2 out, 2 in again). For the first week, there was not another patient I could even have a real conversation with. While I found this a little upsetting and frustrating, I was kind of forced to be with myself and focus on myself.
Because I self harmed in the hospital, they made me wear hospital only gowns, eat only finger foods (no plasticware), no pens or pencils, no jewelry. It was pretty embarrassing. But, the thing that disturbed and unsettled me was that when I was first going to the hospital, I was in a deep, dark, terrible, horrible, miserable depression. When I got to the unit I just became completely numb and slept for a few days. A week in, I felt good. Even for days after discharge I felt good. This confused the crap out of me because I knew there was no way that I could actually be feeling good so quickly. I figured that everything must have just been pushed down and hidden well under the surface waiting to explode when I got stressed.
After discharge, I went back to the partial hospital program, and all the intense therapy and treatment is starting to unleash some of those things that are buried deep, and creating some serious emotional dysregulation. Now I'm beginning to feel like it's going to be impossible to actually face and handle all of my buried emotional trauma. It's soooo deep seated and been part of me for so so long, it all seems insurmountable. The new DSM 5 will describe personality disorders as adaptive failures. That feels pretty negative and final to me.
November 19 I ended up back in the hospital with active suicidal thoughts and a complete loss of impulse control, I couldn't stop self harming and kept wanting to push it further and further. I was admitted to a unit with a very low functioning population. I was there for 2 full weeks, making it a total of 4 weeks in the hospital out of 6 weeks (2 in, 2 out, 2 in again). For the first week, there was not another patient I could even have a real conversation with. While I found this a little upsetting and frustrating, I was kind of forced to be with myself and focus on myself.
Because I self harmed in the hospital, they made me wear hospital only gowns, eat only finger foods (no plasticware), no pens or pencils, no jewelry. It was pretty embarrassing. But, the thing that disturbed and unsettled me was that when I was first going to the hospital, I was in a deep, dark, terrible, horrible, miserable depression. When I got to the unit I just became completely numb and slept for a few days. A week in, I felt good. Even for days after discharge I felt good. This confused the crap out of me because I knew there was no way that I could actually be feeling good so quickly. I figured that everything must have just been pushed down and hidden well under the surface waiting to explode when I got stressed.
After discharge, I went back to the partial hospital program, and all the intense therapy and treatment is starting to unleash some of those things that are buried deep, and creating some serious emotional dysregulation. Now I'm beginning to feel like it's going to be impossible to actually face and handle all of my buried emotional trauma. It's soooo deep seated and been part of me for so so long, it all seems insurmountable. The new DSM 5 will describe personality disorders as adaptive failures. That feels pretty negative and final to me.
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